Chapter 2 Scenario Practices

Transform from "heartbreaking" criticism to "heartfelt" communication methods

Practice Overview

This chapter contains 3 core scenario practices designed to help parents transition from "heartbreaking" criticism to "heartfelt" communication methods.

Practice 1: Comforting Your "Heartbroken" Self

📖 Practice Purpose

Help parents heal their own childhood criticism trauma, avoid "educating" children in hurtful ways, cultivate rational and respectful criticism methods

🔧 Core Tools

3-Step Self-Healing Method:

Step 1: Recall

Review traumatic experiences of being criticized in childhood

Step 2: Awareness

Identify whether you are repeating the same patterns

Step 3: Return

Re-establish rational criticism methods

📝 Practice Steps

Step 1: Recall

When you were young, did you have any "heartbreaking" criticism experiences? What kind of situation did they occur in? What for? What were your parents' words and actions? What were your terrible feelings?

Step 2: Awareness

Do you use the same words and actions with your child in similar situations? Or do you choose completely opposite handling methods because you're afraid of hurting your child?

Step 3: Return

As a rational parent, what do you think would be more effective for handling children's problems in such situations? You can try talking more with other parents.

Reference Answers (Examples)

Step 1 (Recall):

For example, in elementary school, because math grades weren’t satisfactory, parents severely criticized me in public "Why are you so stupid!" I felt ashamed, wronged, and scared.

Step 2 (Awareness):

Now when facing children's learning problems, I also easily become impatient and say harsh words; or choose to completely ignore because I'm afraid of hurting the child.

Step 3 (Return):

Next time I will first explain facts and impacts, then propose specific requirements, for example "I see there are mistakes in this homework, but let's see where you're stuck together" and clearly state next steps and time arrangements.

💡 Practice Significance

  • •Heal psychological trauma from childhood criticism
  • •Reduce parental venting and overprotection
  • •Handle children's problems in more rational and respectful ways
  • •Break intergenerational transmission of negative education patterns

Practice 2: Daily Behavior Check

📖 Practice Purpose

Through self-reflection checklists, help parents identify and correct wrong ways in daily criticism, establish more scientific and effective criticism habits.

📝 Practice Steps

Step 1: Honest Self-Assessment

  • • Carefully read the following 10 types of wrong criticism methods
  • • Make real assessment for each item, choose "Never," "Occasionally," or "Frequently"
  • • Don't beautify your own behavior, face honestly

Step 2: Analyze Reasons

  • • For items chosen as "Occasionally" or "Frequently"
  • • Think: Why do I do this? What's the reason behind it?
  • • Identify your own behavior patterns and thinking errors

Step 3: Make Improvement Plan

  • • Make specific improvement measures for problematic items
  • • Set measurable goals
  • • Establish reminder mechanisms

✅ Daily Behavior Checklist

1. Venting your own negative emotions

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

2. Originally agreed, then suddenly adding more

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

3. Random changes or parents can’t be consistent

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

4. Canceling promises without discussion for various reasons

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

5. Always bringing up old scores, reopening wounds

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

6. Requiring children to do what you don’t do or can’t do

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

7. Criticizing children in public, talking about children in front of relatives and friends

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

8. Saying heartless words like "I don’t want you!"

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

9. Always saying how other people's children are

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

10. In the name of "it's for your own good," making demands and criticism

Never ○ Occasionally ○ Frequently ○

Reference Answers (Examples)

Self-Assessment Examples:

  • • Venting negative emotions: Occasionally (easily lose temper with children when work pressure is high)
  • • Suddenly adding more: Frequently (always temporarily add homework or requirements)

Improvement Plan:

  • • Adjust your own emotions first when work pressure is high
  • • Communicate with children about specific content of agreements first

💡 Practice Significance

Through systematic self-check, parents can objectively understand their own criticism methods, discover problems and make improvement strategies, gradually establish more scientific and effective criticism habits.

Practice 3: Request Formula

📖 Practice Purpose

Learn gentle yet firm instruction expression methods, use formulas like "Problem + Request," "Feeling + Request," "Problem + Solution," "Request + Benefits" to replace command-style criticism, improve communication effectiveness.

🔧 Core Tools

4 Types of Request Formulas:

Formula 1: Problem + Request

Point out problems and make specific requests

Formula 2: Feeling + Request

Express feelings and make adjustment requests

Formula 3: Problem + Solution

Point out problems and guide finding solutions

Formula 4: Request + Benefits

Make requests and explain positive results

📝 Practice Steps

Step 1: Identify Criticism Type

  • • Analyze which situation the original expression belongs to
  • • Judge which formula should be used

Step 2: Apply Formula

  • • Reorganize language according to formula
  • • Maintain gentle yet firm tone

Step 3: Practice Application

  • • Practice repeatedly in daily life
  • • Observe changes in children's reactions

Case 1: Problem + Request Formula

Scenario:

Child is slow

Original Expression:

"Always dawdling, so slow, hurry up!"

Reference Answer:

"Current speed isn’t working, can you speed up?"

• Formula Applied: Problem + Request

Case 2: Feeling + Request Formula

Scenario:

Child throws tantrums

Original Expression:

"You're being unreasonable, what tantrums are you throwing, I don’t owe you anything."

Reference Answer:

"Your behavior makes me angry, adjust your emotions and we'll talk."

• Formula Applied: Feeling + Request

Case 3: Problem + Solution Formula

Scenario:

Child is forgetful

Original Expression:

"Why don’t you lose yourself, always forgetful and messy, how annoying!"

Reference Answer:

"Your always losing things causes trouble for everyone, think about how to avoid this?"

• Formula Applied: Problem + Solution

Case 4: Request + Benefits Formula

Scenario:

Child doesn’t brush teeth

Original Expression:

"Why didn’t you brush your teeth again? What if you get cavities? Be careful the bugs eat all your teeth."

Reference Answer:

"Now you have two minutes to brush your teeth, pass the check and get a bedtime story as reward."

• Formula Applied: Request + Benefits

💡 Practice Significance

  • •Avoid command-style and threatening criticism methods
  • •Make requests in gentle yet firm ways
  • •Reduce children's resistance and rebellious emotions
  • •Improve parent-child communication effectiveness

Expected Practice Effects

📈 Transformation of Criticism Methods

Through practice, parents can:

  • •Transition from "heartbreaking" criticism to "heartfelt" communication
  • •Reduce children's resistance and rebellious emotions
  • •Establish more harmonious parent-child relationships
  • •Cultivate children's courage to face mistakes
  • •Master gentle yet firm request-making skills

🌟 Actual Effects

Correct criticism practice can bring:

  • •Children more willing to accept advice and guidance
  • •Smoother parent-child communication
  • •Children stronger when facing setbacks
  • •More harmonious and warm family atmosphere

Practice Usage Guide

Practice Frequency

  • •
    Self-healing Practice: Monthly deep reflection
  • •
    Daily Behavior Check: Weekly comprehensive self-assessment
  • •
    Request Practice: Repeated practice in daily communication

Practice Suggestions

  1. 1.
    Gradual Progress: Start from self-healing, gradually master behavior check and request-making skills
  2. 2.
    Stay Patient: Give children and yourself time to adapt
  3. 3.
    Face Honestly: Be honest about your performance in behavior checks
  4. 4.
    Practice Repeatedly: Consciously apply request formulas in daily communication

Precautions

  • •Ensure criticism comes from love rather than venting
  • •Protect children's self-esteem and safety
  • •Maintain appropriateness and constructiveness of criticism
  • •Observe children's real reactions and feelings

Practice Achievement Assessment

Self-Assessment Standards:

  • ✅Can handle emotions rationally
  • ✅Criticism methods become more gentle and effective
  • ✅Children willing to accept advice and actively improve
  • ✅Parent-child relationships become more intimate

Long-term Expected Effects:

Through continuous practice and application, parents will be able to:

  • •Establish healthy criticism patterns
  • •Master gentle yet firm communication skills
  • •Create positive family atmosphere
  • •Improve parent-child communication effectiveness

💝Core Concept

The highest realm of criticism is making children feel loved rather than hurt, heartfelt rather than heartbreaking.
When parents can make requests in gentle yet firm ways, children will learn to grow from mistakes rather than escape from criticism.

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