Chapter 9: Companionship
Being present with love, courage, and dedication - the true essence of parenting
Core Viewpoints
1. Companionship is "I Am Here"
Our generation of parents is the most "learning-oriented" parents, and we particularly care about practical techniques and scientific methods. However, what makes techniques and methods truly effective?
Historical Insight: London Bombings Study
British researchers discovered that during World War II, London suffered continuous bombings. To ensure children's safety, some children left their parents and moved to distant farms. After the war, research found that children who stayed with their parents in the bombing area were actually less affected than children living in the safe suburbs.
In such harsh environments, what techniques and methods did those parents use? Amidst the flames of war and hunger, "professional" methods seemed to have no "use." They were simply "there."
Irvin Yalom's Therapy Story
Existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom talked about when Alice was about to move to a nursing home and felt pain. He used various "techniques" hoping Alice could calm down, but none worked. What really worked was his "presence" rather than "technique." The hidden message that played a crucial role: "No matter how panicked you feel, I won't avoid you or abandon you."
Professional techniques and scientific methods are certainly important, but what ultimately makes these effective is parents' "presence," parents' spirit of "self-sacrifice," their "determination" to accompany their children, and their never-giving-up "courage."
2. Maternal Power and Paternal Power
Strict father and kind mother are not two people, but two kinds of life energy that children need
In psychoanalytic theory, people need to obtain two types of power to achieve spiritual independence of the mental world.
Maternal Power
Relates to nurturing, holding, and emotional nourishment. Most mothers perform this.
Image: A child in mother's arms, both looking at each other tenderly.
Paternal Power
Relates to rules, sense of order, and outward exploration. Mostly performed by fathers.
Image: Father holding child's hand as protector, both looking toward the direction father points.
Important Understanding:
Maternal function and paternal function, like yin and yang, heaven and earth in Chinese culture, are different forces and energies. However, maternal function is not only provided by mothers, and paternal function is not only provided by fathers. A father who loves cooking can also cook "mother's taste." A confident and independent mother can also become a role model for her child. Parents with sufficient mental independence are "hermaphroditic" in their hearts, possessing both types of power simultaneously.
3. Maintaining Love's Relaxation
More important than the "duration" of companionship is whether the child receives "love"
Companionship is the connection of love. Whether companionship succeeds depends on whether the child receives the feeling of love. The "duration" of companionship is not important; "quality" is the key.
If we turn companionship into an important responsibility and heavy obligation, making it a "burden," then can your child truly feel "love" when you stay with them so "carefully"?
4. Being a 60-Point Mom
Deep companionship is not deep consumption, allowing yourself and your child to grow together
We pursue independence, work-life balance, lifelong growth. Many times, we are actually pursuing a 100-point self. However, can't we be a 60-point mom?
The Reality of New Mothers
Among new mothers with 0-1 year old children at home, 41.04% say "when things go wrong, I unnecessarily blame myself." The anxiety of fearing we can't be a good mother leads to a series of emotional problems.
After being exhausted and tidying up repeatedly, only to turn around and find the room messy again, we learn to let go of expectations for "perfection." Stubborn human children make us repeatedly weigh between following nature and maintaining order, ultimately learning to "go with the flow" rather than "control."
We learn to coexist harmoniously with regrets and uncertainties, no longer expecting to become a 100-point self.
5. Seizing Every Present Moment
Time is long, both we and our children are ordinary after all
Like the toad in the story of "The Frog and the Toad," we always hold a "list" in our hands, with too few things written for ourselves on the list, forgetting to write for ourselves - please sit down and have a cup of coffee.
In those days of forging ahead toward the future: Dear mom and dad, please take care of yourself in every present moment!
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