Chapter 7: Communication
Master the art of meaningful conversations that build trust and connection with your child
Core Viewpoints
1. Communication Shapes the Foundation of Life
How do our experiences about life get constructed? How do our beliefs about life, love, and relationships become rooted in our hearts? Do they truly come from our birth, circumstances, and the events we encounter? Or is it the "interpretation" given to us by the people we most trust in this process?
In the most casual, everyday language and communication, what kind of life foundation are we laying out for our children?
Psychological Discoveries: Three Patterns of Attachment Relationships
Secure Attachment
Infants have two equal abilities - when feeling safe, they can explore the surrounding environment following their impulses; when feeling unsafe, they can naturally return to their mothers for comfort.
Avoidant Attachment
Infants show surprising "indifference" in strange situations, remaining unmoved by their mother's departure or return. This "coldness" is essentially an avoidance that prevents them from feeling sad.
Ambivalent Attachment
Infants show two types of behavior - one is often showing anger while wanting their mother's comfort and trying to escape their mother's embrace; the other is very passive, as if too sad to approach their mother.
2. The Importance of Love Language
The "55387 Law" tells us:
- • 55% is determined by visible factors such as the speaker's image, body language, and facial expressions
- • 38% is determined by audible factors such as tone, intonation, and manner of speaking
- • Only 7% of the determining factors come from the content of what we say
Then, the "visible" and "audible" interaction methods are even more important in children's communication before language development.
Manifestations of Relaxation:
• The body is soft and relaxed, even with a bit of fatigue
• Peaceful mood, stable emotions, internally powerful
• Open, positive, and balanced thinking style, not fixated on certain ideas
• Not rushing to take action but having the ability to act, able to start anytime
• Having the ability to choose and make decisions, not conflicted or internally drained
• Enjoying relationships without depending on them, having security even when alone
3. Communication Methods for Different Age Groups
Young Children Need Emotional Communication
Before age 3, children's language abilities are generally not fully developed. Their understanding of words, rules, and logic in interactions is limited. More often, they rely on emotions and physical intuition to feel external interactions.
Toddlers Love Playing Games
Almost all animal offspring have play behaviors, because games can cultivate flexible response abilities to adapt to changing and unpredictable environments and learn to cooperate with each other. Games themselves are a very important communication method.
Preschoolers Love Storytelling
Children have animistic characteristics in certain stages of psychological development. Children aged 4-6 view all things as having life, consciousness, and being alive like humans. Storytelling is a particularly important communication method with preschool children.
"Little Adults" Particularly Need Formal Conversations
After children start school, they particularly hope parents treat them as adults. We no longer call them "baby," use their pet names, and when communicating with them, even for simple matters, we should communicate solemnly as if treating adults.
Adolescents Need to Learn to "Shut Up"
When children enter adolescence, they don't really want to communicate with adults anymore. If you can still chat like friends at this time, that's already great. If children have been cultivated to have reading habits from childhood, we can still establish "deep" communication spaces with children through books.
4. Avoiding Negative Communication Templates
"Nagging" Plants a Guilt Template
Nagging communication gives children the feeling that "this is all my fault" and "life is difficult," easily creating a "guilt template" for children.
"Blaming" and "Comparing" Plant an Inferiority Template
When we need to correct some behaviors and make demands of children, we easily escalate to blame. "Other people's children" is another pitfall for many parents expressing expectations.
"Worrying" Plants a Danger Template
Worry hanging on the lips can only pass endless "anxiety" to children. To truly support children, we need to handle our own worries and do something about it.
"Spoiling" Plants a Selfishness Template
Meddling and spoiling only make children more selfish. A mother who "meddles" in a child's life is like "stealing" the child's own life.
5. High-Quality Communication: Being a Mirror, Being a Container
Being a Mirror, Letting the Child Be Seen
Parents' "feedback" to children in communication is a very important "mirroring" process. That is, to be a mirror for the child, letting them know their real state and feelings at the moment.
Being a Container, Letting the Child Be Accepted
When children are in low, difficult, or frustrating moments, we not only need to be mirrors, telling them we see their "sadness," but more importantly, let them know that this sadness is "allowed."
6. More Gossip, Less Learning
If the child is still willing to chat with you, the parent-child relationship is online.
School-related "Gossip":
- • What did you play during break today? How are you getting along with friends?
- • Is the teacher interesting? Or did they lose their temper again?
- • How's the cafeteria food? Are there chicken legs you like?
- • What's new at school?
The meaning of children going to school is not just learning. School is their "social life." They understand society, learn social skills, and experience growth at school... All of this is far more important than academic grades.
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