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Notice What's Working

Give feedback your child can recognize and use.

By the end of this chapter

Notice useful effort, choices, and progress without exaggerating or turning praise into pressure.

A family moment

The praise was warm, but it did not land

Your child shows you a project they worked on for several evenings. You want them to feel proud, so you say, “You're amazing. You're so smart.” They shrug and answer, “It's not even that good.”

A more useful response might begin with the work itself: “You kept changing the opening until it sounded right. I saw how patient you were with it.”

What is happening

General praise can express affection, and affection matters. But when you want to help a child recognize a skill or choice, a specific observation gives them something clearer to hold on to.

The aim is not to praise constantly or make every ordinary action sound exceptional. It is to notice accurately enough that your child can see their own effort, judgment, care, honesty, or recovery.

The skill

Three moves to practice

1

Notice before you evaluate

Start with what you saw or heard. Description is often easier to trust than a label such as smart, talented, perfect, or the best.

Keep the observation small. You do not need to summarize your child's character from one moment.

What it can sound like

  • “You went back and checked the instructions on your own.”
  • “You made room for your brother even though you were frustrated.”
  • “You asked for help before the deadline.”

Sentence starter: I noticed you…

Pause and try

Rewrite “Great job” as one sentence that names an action you actually observed.

2

Name effort, judgment, or change

Effort is only one useful thing to notice. You can also name strategy, care, honesty, restraint, recovery, or a better choice.

Avoid praising effort that did not happen or pretending the result does not matter. Accurate feedback is more believable than automatic positivity.

What it can sound like

  • “You changed your plan when the first one didn't work.”
  • “You told me what happened even though you were worried I'd be upset.”
  • “You were still angry, and you stopped yourself from sending that message.”

Pause and try

Think of one recent moment. Which word fits best: effort, strategy, care, honesty, recovery, or judgment?

3

Let the noticing stand on its own

Praise can feel like control when it immediately becomes a request. “I love how focused you are—now finish the rest” makes the first sentence sound like a tactic.

Leave a little space. Your child does not need to agree, smile, or perform gratitude for the noticing to count.

What it can sound like

  • Instead of “You were so responsible—please keep doing that,” try “You remembered the permission slip without a reminder.”
  • Instead of praising in front of other people automatically, ask an older child whether public recognition feels comfortable.

Pause and try

Notice one moment today and stop after the observation. Do not add a request, comparison, or lesson.

What it sounds like

Adjust the words, keep the principle

Ages 6–12

  • “You kept the pieces organized, and that helped you finish.”
  • “You were nervous, and you still asked the question.”

Ages 13–18

  • “You handled that message carefully. You didn't send the first thing you felt.”
  • “I noticed you made time for your friend even during a busy week.”

Try it this week

Practice attention, not a praise quota

  1. 1Once a day, write down one useful action or choice you noticed.
  2. 2Choose only two or three moments during the week to say aloud.
  3. 3After you speak, let the comment land without asking for a response.

Use this template

I noticed [specific action]. That took [effort / judgment / care / recovery].

If you did not genuinely notice something, do not manufacture praise. Warm ordinary attention is enough.

If it did not go well

Repair, then try a smaller move

If your child rolls their eyes or rejects the praise, do not argue them into accepting it. Say, “Fair enough—I just wanted you to know what I noticed,” and move on.

Check whether the comment was too public, too broad, inaccurate, or followed by a hidden request. Adjust the next moment instead of defending this one.

Remember

Three things to carry with you

  • Notice specifically.
  • Name something your child can recognize in their own action.
  • Let the comment land without demanding a response.

Sources and next steps

Read further

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