Talking About 'Scary Stuff' Without Frightening Your Child

As parents, we often face the challenge of addressing difficult or scary topics with our children—whether it’s a nightmare that leaves them afraid to sleep, troubling news events that have shaken the world, or even personal fears they may not fully understand. While these conversations can feel intimidating, it’s important to approach them with care and compassion. Children look to their parents for guidance, and how you handle these tough subjects can greatly impact their sense of safety and emotional resilience. Here’s how to talk about ‘scary stuff’ in a way that is both age-appropriate and reassuring.

1. Create a Safe and Calm Environment

Before diving into a difficult conversation, make sure your child feels safe and calm. Choose a quiet, comfortable setting where you can talk without distractions. The goal is to help them feel secure, knowing they can express themselves without fear of judgment. Let your child know that they can ask questions at any time and that you’re there to listen.

If your child is upset, take a moment to offer comfort—whether through a hug, a soothing touch, or simply sitting next to them. This helps create an atmosphere of trust and calm, setting the tone for an open and honest conversation.

2. Be Honest, but Age-Appropriate

Children need to know the truth, but the way in which you share it should depend on their age and emotional maturity. You don’t need to go into all the details, but it’s important to give them honest, clear information that they can understand.

For younger children, keep things simple and avoid overwhelming them with too much information. For example, if they’ve had a nightmare, you might say, “That was just a bad dream. It’s not real, and you’re safe here with me.” If you’re discussing a difficult news event, focus on what’s most relevant to their understanding. You could say, “Sometimes bad things happen in the world, but there are lots of people working to help.”

For older children, be more detailed but still mindful of their emotional state. Answer their questions, but don’t go into graphic details unless they ask for more information. Make sure to explain that it’s okay to feel scared, but also reinforce the message that they are safe and loved.

3. Validate Their Feelings

When children experience fear or anxiety, they need to feel heard and understood. Instead of dismissing their feelings with comments like “Don’t be scared,” try validating what they’re experiencing. Saying something like, “I can see that you’re feeling worried, and that’s okay. It’s normal to feel scared sometimes,” helps your child feel supported.

Let them express their fears without interrupting. You might say, “What part of this is making you feel scared?” This encourages your child to open up and helps you address their specific concerns. By acknowledging their feelings, you show them that it’s okay to have big emotions and that you’ll help them through it.

4. Offer Reassurance Without Minimizing

After acknowledging your child’s fear, offer reassurance that is both comforting and grounded in reality. If your child is afraid of something specific, such as storms or monsters, you can explain why it’s not something to fear. For instance, “Thunder is just a loud noise from the sky. It can be a little scary, but it won’t hurt you.”

When talking about real-world fears—like global events or difficult news—offer comfort by focusing on the positive actions being taken. “There are many people who help others when something bad happens. And you have your family, who will always protect and care for you.”

5. Give Them Tools to Cope

Equip your child with strategies to cope with fear or anxiety. This might include teaching them breathing exercises, providing a comforting ritual (like a special stuffed animal or blanket), or creating a “worry jar” where they can write down their fears and put them away for later. For older children, encourage them to express their feelings in writing or through art.

By offering them practical tools for managing their emotions, you empower your child to feel more in control. Knowing they have coping strategies can reduce their fear and give them a sense of agency over their feelings.

6. Keep the Conversation Ongoing

Don’t expect one conversation to be enough. Children may need to revisit tough topics multiple times, especially if they’re feeling uncertain or anxious. Keep the lines of communication open and let your child know that they can come to you anytime if they have more questions or need reassurance.

For example, after discussing a scary event, check in with your child the next day to see how they’re feeling. You can say, “How are you feeling about what we talked about yesterday? Do you have any more questions?” This helps normalize the conversation and reassures your child that their feelings matter.

Why This Approach Works

By approaching tough topics with honesty, compassion, and age-appropriate information, you give your child the tools they need to process fear and uncertainty. Children who feel heard and supported during difficult conversations are better equipped to handle anxiety and to develop resilience as they grow.