What to Do When Your Child Bullies Others

Hearing that your child has bullied someone can make you want to defend them—or impose a huge punishment to show how seriously you take it. Neither response tells you enough about what happened. Your task is to help stop the harm, establish what your child did, and work out what needs to change before the next opportunity to do it again.

Stop ongoing harm while the facts are checked

If it is happening now, interrupt, separate the children, and get another adult’s help if needed. Attend to anyone who is hurt or frightened. Do not stage a joint questioning or demand an apology on the spot. Weapons, serious injury or threats, sexual abuse, or extortion need prompt police, medical, or child-protection help as appropriate. Use local emergency services for immediate danger.

For a report from school, ask what was said or done, where and when, what staff observed, what remains unconfirmed, and how further harm is being prevented. Keep reported and established facts separate. Do not investigate through parent group chats or approach the other child for proof. Your child should not contact the person who reported it to “clear things up.”

An opening might be: “Your teacher says you and some others surrounded a child at lunch and called them names. Tell me what happened.” Listen to your child’s account without treating denial as proof that nothing happened. While staff check, necessary safety arrangements can stay in place, including no unwanted contact or retaliation. That is different from punishing your child for an allegation that has not been established.

Name your child’s actions

“It was a joke” needs a closer look. Ask what your child said and what the other person did next. Did it continue? Did others join in? Could the other child get away? Bullying involves unequal power and repeated harm, or the potential for repetition. Even when that definition does not fit, a harmful action still needs addressing.

“I didn’t start it” is another reason to identify their actual contribution. Joining in, forwarding insults, or recruiting others to exclude someone differs from witnessing it while frightened and unsure what to do. Children can play different roles in bullying. Do not assign the whole group’s behavior to your child, or overlook their participation because someone else led it.

If they refuse to talk, stop the interrogation and name a time to return. A trusted school adult might help them speak. You can still check facts with school and maintain safety arrangements. A confession is not the only way to make progress.

Once the behavior is established, be precise: “You told people not to sit with him. That needs to stop.” Avoid “You’re a bully” or “What kind of person does that?” Keep responsibility attached to actions your child can change.

Understand what support your child needs

Ask what your child hoped would happen, or what worried them about not joining in. Peer pressure, anger, or threats may matter; do not assume low confidence, a diagnosis, or a single parenting failure explains everything. Use what you learn to choose help.

If your child reports being bullied too, arrange protection for that separately. Our guide to responding when your child is being bullied covers that responsibility. They do not have to admit wrongdoing before receiving protection. Equally, being hurt does not cancel responsibility for hurting someone else.

A younger child may need nearby adult supervision and practice moving away to get a named teacher. With a teen, rehearse a realistic way out of joining an attack: not forwarding the message, leaving the harmful conversation, or asking a trusted adult for help. Check whether stepping away could expose them to threats. If refusing the group is unsafe, adults need to intervene rather than assign a brave speech.

Connect consequences to the behavior and teach what comes next

With school, agree on the specific behavior that must stop, the adult support or supervision needed, and how you will check progress. A promise to “be nicer” leaves too much unclear. If you cannot attend a meeting, ask for a phone conversation and briefly confirm the decisions in writing.

Consequences should be proportionate to established behavior. The AAP recommends clear limits and follow-through, and advises against hitting or shaming children. Do not withdraw basic needs or ordinary care to make a consequence feel serious.

For example, misuse of a group chat might mean temporarily restricting that feature or supervising its use. Explain when you will review the arrangement and what safe use needs to look like. Preserve access needed for school, health support, and emergency contact. Indefinitely taking every device until their “attitude improves” gives them no clear way forward. This example is an editorial suggestion, not a tested sanction.

Damaged or taken property may need repair, return, or reasonable repayment arranged through school. Account for age and what the family can realistically manage; adults remain responsible for getting it resolved. Check school consequences against local policy. Do not promise that an apology will remove them or add harsher home penalties simply to prove you care.

Make amends without asking the other child to help

An apology does not create a right to contact. Before sending a note, message, gift, or invitation to meet, ask the responsible school adult to consider the other child’s safety and wishes. Respect any no-contact arrangement, including messages through friends. StopBullying.gov cautions against forcing children who have been bullied to face those who hurt them.

If contact is appropriate and welcome, a specific apology could be: “I kept calling you that name. It was cruel, and I’m sorry.” No “but you…” and no request for forgiveness, a reply, or renewed friendship. If the other child wants no apology, your child can still stop, return property through staff, and follow the agreed arrangements.

Online, stop further sharing and work promptly with school or the platform to remove or correct harmful content. Ask the responsible adults how needed information should be recorded; do not tell your child to erase records to avoid responsibility, or leave harmful material circulating as “proof.” A public confession post can expose the other child again. Sensitive images or legal concerns need specialist help, not a family attempt to investigate them.

Check whether the behavior has changed

Follow up with school: has the original behavior stopped, has it shifted to quieter exclusion or online attacks, and is the agreed support happening? An absence of new complaints does not automatically mean the problem is resolved. Staff should check safely with the people involved; the other child should not have to report to you on your child’s improvement.

Notice specific changes honestly: “You left when the chat turned nasty and asked for help.” Do not promise that others will forgive them. Keep ordinary affection and time together, without turning every evening into a test of character.

Continued harm, new threats, or a plan that is not working needs prompt follow-up with school and help from your child’s health care provider or a qualified mental health professional. Immediate risk of harm to anyone needs local crisis or emergency help. Supporting your child and protecting other children belong in the same response.